Why

Ok, I'm going to admit it. The entire reason I want to lose weight is for me.

I am tired of looking in the mirror and feeling like cr@p

Trouble is, when I feel like that I reach for the (half-fat) ice-cream, or the choccie biscuits, or toast, or crisps, or a mars bar, a flake, anything - oh anything - that I can eat to take my mind off how awful I feel. And it's not just my mirror in my house, it's mirrors at work, in shops, windows - anything reflective!

I wish there were a quick way, even getting ill over this weekend doesn't seem to have helped. In fact, it makes me feel worse as I turn to the food again for comfort.

And then, if I don't feel attractive, how am I supposed to act sexy? I am the cr@ppest girlfriend on the planet. Stuck with dating a hippo isn't bad enough, you have to date a really self-conscious hippo.

And now, I've taken away the thing that takes away those inhibitions. I've quit drinking. Had to be done, but now I have little chance to feel how I want to, unless I lose the weight. I haven't even dared to weigh myself, because I know how depressed I will be.

Ha! And L stumbled accross an old website of mine (now deleted) on which one of my top 100 favourite things was that I could eat whatever I liked without gaining any weight. Once, maybe, now - in my dreams. (no, not the dreams where I'm being smothered with a croissant...)

It's so annoying - I spent years correcting my bad attitude to food, from the days when I was a 24inch waist and wore clothes that looked like they were sprayed on, to now, when I refuse to wear cropped things, hipsters, short skirts. I can't wear knee-high boots because my calves are too fat.

blub blob blub blob blub blob (that's me walking naked)